what a weekend

i had a ton of fun with hannah this weekend road-tripping up to berkeley, san jose, and unexpectedly thrown in for good measure, los banos…

details, pictures, and reflections to come soon =)

 

My first film: At Odds

I’ve finally uploaded my short film online. The one that I’ve been writing about, the one that I vented about, the one that tested and tried me in ways I had never been challenged in before, and the same one that blessed me so incredibly much because I see God’s grace throughout the entire process, maybe not always in the midst of it (as evidenced by my previous cry- for-help blog post), but at the end of it, in its completion, in receiving feedback, and looking back, His grace and ever-present hand could not shine more clearly.

For some background, basically I had been working on a short film/doc for my EthnoCommunications course at UCLA last quarter. The class’s purpose is to teach students how to produce video projects that tell the stories of groups that are often neglected by mainstream media. I chose to tell the testimony of a Christian who’s struggled with same-sex attraction all his life until just 6 years ago. It’s a raw and very personal story of how Paul De Partee wrestled with his faith and identity, and it became a project that means so much more to me than just something for class.

The screening was March 17th at UCLA and it went well. Thank you to everyone who came out to support me. It really meant a lot because I was so nervous. The screening was utterly nerve wracking. I mean I’m 21 but I was gripping my mom’s hand so tightly during the film before mine because I knew the big moment was next. I had no idea how people would receive it and I hadn’t seen it on the big screen yet so it was scary, but now that everything is completed and I’m getting feedback still or invitations to have it screened again, it’s deeply rewarding. And honestly, it would still be rewarding had I not received ANY positive feedback, just because of how the experience of working on it challenged me creatively, spiritually, intellectually and emotionally. Ah. It was hard, but good.

The Q&A forum afterwards was also frightening because I’m fully aware that my film touches on issues that are so controversial and it was difficult to convey my heart and use the right terminology without offending people but still stay true to who I am. I know my project finds itself in the midst of opposing views and that many people didn’t like it, but beyond, or deeper than all the social and political stickiness/controversy of it all, the guy’s story is amazing, and I’ll just let him speak for himself:

You can watch it here:

If you’re interested in talking to me about the film, the issues, God or anything at all, I’m up for it too =)

I was totallyyy overdressed but I had fun dressing up and getting my makeup done by the lovely Hannah Chu.

on the right is me and my dear friend jelly =)

and of course the one who held my hand throughout- my mommy ❤

Don’t have many pictures, but I believe the famous helen wong will be writing a post soon complete with pictures i’m sure all those who came are looking forward to–the glory of seeing their faces featured on her popular blog so many of them secretly subscribe to. ahem david liu. haha!

 

power of a few words

today was so lovely. i’m so happy to be able to say that after a very trying and disappointing spring break. but today was — well, i’ll work backwards.

i’m writing this from my apartment in la. there’s something about being alone in a college town apartment on a spring break night that is all at once exhilarating, liberating, and yet so, so peaceful. there really is nobody else in the whole town house. =) walking onto campus, everything was so still and quiet, something that never happens because there’s always a party or late night study session going on, but tonight, tonight was just the campus, the concrete beneath my feet, the bricks, the lawn, the lane of lamp posts. i was so glad God brought me here tonight. I came to ucla tonight for Ira Glass’s 10 pm show in Royce Hall.

If you don’t know who Ira Glass is and you’ve never listened to “This American Life,” you really are missing out. He is amazing. I give him so much more respect after tonight too. He’s amazing in person. The guy is America’s #1 radio show host- I thought the show would be at most 1.5 hours. The guy literally just talked and yet entertained and captivated us for 2 full hours and 15 minutes. No intermission. No gimmicks or live band, just his voice. Some recorded bites from interviews, a little background music when he’d play the interviews and that’s it.

The things he talked about that I want to remember forever because it was so inspirational (jotting it down note-style):

• the best radio stories have the structure: motion, motion, reflection/thought
• journalism is dying because reporters don’t talk like human beings. they put up this persona and front as news robots where they already know everything and are objective and aren’t surprised by anything so they can be seen as authoritative, knowledgable, but by doing so, they take out all the hope, joy, discovery, amusement, fun out of life. this american life and commentary shows (genre that is kicking journalism’s ass) do so well because its hosts/reporters talk like real human beings- it’s okay for a reporter to sound amused, to be surprised bc that’s how life is. journalism should report what is. and what is-life- is all those emotions- excitement, the love, the joy, the fear, etc.
• arabian nights. the power of a story. we’re bombarded by so many narratives today. ads, movies, technology everything is telling a narrative but the kind that really matter, that he strives to achieve with his program is the kind of story that when you hear it, you can say wow, so that’s what it would be like to be in his/her shoes, in that situation, in that life. it connects. it procures empathy. and that’s what our world needs more of, in the midst of so much havoc and cruelty and disaster, we need more things that connect us, that bring an understanding and revelation of what it would be like to be in that person’s shoes, to partake in that experience, and it’s that empathy and connection that keeps us a little more sane in the midst of all the craziness of life and society today.

Going to the 168 film festival was really cool too. Just watching films and christians striving to produce excellent work in the media for God’s glory- like blatantly, with scriptural incorporation. I was impressed by a few. others not so much, but still definitely a fun and fulfilling experience. Glendale’s quite beautiful. Stopping by Americana and grabbing porto’s was a definite treat. Today was hands down, the best day of my spring break because I’m finally getting over my sickness and got to go out, be in the sun, be cultured, and most importantly, I was inspired.

A film’s story line touched my soul. Ira Glass spoke truths that resonate with me. These small things, those few words, lifted me higher 🙂 something I’m most thankful for because I have been in a downright rut this break. Thank God it’s over.

david liu– man of the hour with his film crew for “remembering pk justin”

ladies of HOC

array of personalities on the red carpet

americana

all by myself at la apartment, and so at peace.

 

home

🙂 i’ve really been so happy the past two days. not that i’ve done anything remarkably exciting or out of the ordinary, but I’ve just had simple but beautiful days. it feels so great to be done with my film, finals, and on spring break. it feels so great to have made it through two very, very difficult quarters. it’s funny because when I was telling Christine yesterday about how much ending this quarter means to me and how I’m excited for the next, and just to be where I am now, I started crying.

I was so happy that I cried because it’s been so hard. Both of us have been through a number of trials and such heartbreak, and I think it was when I said, “Christine, we’ve gone through so much and you know what, we’re GOOD. we’re so GOOD” that tears welled up in my eyes. I can’t even explain it but man, it’s like wow, I really made it through. I’m doing okay. I’m doing well. I’m not fully without anymore, and hey, maybe I never really was, you know?

My heart’s been brimming with thankfulness and contentment and much love for the Lord and all that He has done for me and where He has put me.

I have a beautiful apartment in westwood:

and a beautiful backyard and lovely girlfriends to sunbathe, talk, and do pilates with back home in walnut too 🙂

 

it is finished

the night has come. i have completed my film project and the screening is in exactly 2 hours.

jesus, thank you for indeed carrying me through.

would you please be glorified tonight

“To me, who am less than the least of all the saints, this grace was given, that I should preach among the Gentles the unsearchable riches of Christ, and to make all see what is the fellowship of the mystery, which from the beginning of the ages has been hidden in God who created all things through Jesus Christ, to the intent that now the manifold wisdom of God might be made known by the church to the principalities and powers in the heavenly places, according to the eternal purpose which He accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord, in whom we have boldness and access with confidence through faith in Him.” ephesians 2:8-12

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen”

ephesians 2:20-21

may i be found in you tonight lord. increase increase increase.

 

one of those days

it’s really just been one of those days, the kind of days when you just want to go to sleep as soon as possible and not wake up until at least a few months later. this week has been so trying. And looking back, it was so trying not because I had a breakdown each day or that I was terribly dispirited, but rather because I WASN’T, because I tried so hard to make it through each day, with a good attitude, with my eyes set on the cross, doing my best, offering my all, my scanty two mites, going, going forward, being generous and loving and making the most of my time, putting my trust in God. And I kind of did it, but, at the end of the week, on this Friday, i feel like all of that or what I was able to achieve or muster during the week just completely fell through in one meeting with my professor.

it’s my film. my visual life history piece. the cause of so much of my freaking anguish, stress, worry, lack of sleep for the past quarter. it’s this class that i dread mondays and lose my weekends. it’s this class that robs me of seriously, my happiness sometimes. now i know you’re thinking, wow. that’s it? just a CLASS?! LOWER YOUR STANDARDS. IT AINT ABOUT SCHOOL. LIVE LIFE. but it isn’t the class, it’s the life story I’m supposed to tell through my 5 minute film that i care so much about. I fear that I am not able to do the amazing testimony justice. It’s this guy’s freaking life and personal journey and I cannot just slap something together and i even feel like my best won’t cut it. It’s what GOD did in his life and I just feel so inadequate, so incapable, so amateur in my attempt at telling his story.

And it isn’t just feelings. I literally am not qualified for the task. I’ve never worked with film before. I have 4.5 hours of interview footage to turn into a 5 minute piece. I do not have enough b-roll and I am limited in my access to more b-roll. I don’t have the editing skill, the experience, knowledge, or even, I’m afraid, the creativity to pull it off.

And so. I don’t want to wake up because I know I have to just bear through it, trudge through it WITH HOPE, WITH JOY, WITH PEACE, AND LOVE AND A SMILE AS BEST AS I CAN, I know the all-nighters I’m going to pull now, and the fear that I’m not going to cut it. Literally- the rough cut is due on Monday. What I have so far, I was asked to scrap and completely restructure.

God, I know it’s small. I know you have so many important things to take care of in the world. I know there are so many hearts broken and hurting and lacking, but I thank you that you care for me, that you care for every single hair on my head, and you care when I hurt Lord, you care when it’s a struggle for me to recount moments of happiness at a dinner, and you care about my film, because you care about Paul, his family, Jenna, and me. And you care about the people who will see it. I thank you for that Lord. I thank you that nothing is ever too big for you, and nothing ever too small. I thank you that I’m put in a place where for almost the first time in my life, I feel COMPLETELY, wholly, through-and-through, worthless, scared, faithless. The fear and sense of plain not being good enough and not being able to make the cut has never been sharper. God this is such a burden on me. Let it not be Lord.

I chronicle this not to whine, not to vent, well maybe a little, but really because I’m putting this out there in faith that I will get through this and the final product, oh Lord, it will have to be from you completely. And please don’t let me be miserable through the process.

 

perfectly happy

I’m sitting in the room I’ve been going to nearly every afternoon whenever I get the chance. Birch study lounge. The table, facing the windows that stretch from the floor to the ceiling, open up to a panoramic view of De Neve court and all the people walking to class or on their way home. I love windows so much, being able to see amazing views from on high, and it’s just so pretty and glorious and it takes me away from here. the here.

Listening to john mayer’s perfectly lonely, i’m so happy. so so so content. ah i haven’t been able to say that in so long!! praise God for this change that He has brought about in my heart, in my spirit, in my attitude, in my thoughts!

My fingers are kind of cramped from typing so fast as I transcribe interview footage, but it’s okay. It’s okay that there are flowers and tissue paper bundles and cotton candy pink and rouge every where. I say that now. I’m afraid of what I’ll feel come Sunday night when I’m at work alone in the studio, playing love songs for the rest of the world I’ll perceive to be enjoying the sweetness of being loved and in love. But at the same time, this week, I really think God’s been preparing me for sunday already. All through the week, He’s been showing me the sweetness of His love, and I don’t say that as a backup, as a way of comforting myself, oh I have God ha kind of thing, no. No, no, no, it isn’t an “at least I still have God” “well I still have God’s love” no no no. It’s an ah fall to my knees, pull them forward to my chest, a rock back and forth kind of awe, an overwhelmed state, an intake of breath, a slow shutting of the eyelids, a swelling of the heart and soul and spirit, that the Creator of the world, the King of Kings who could smite me because I’m so dirty and ugly, the loving crazy authoritative know-it-all and not in an annoying way, Teacher Rabbi Jesus Yeshua LOVES LOVES LOVES EMBRACES WANTS DESIRES WOOS ME. holy. thats holy.

And that doesn’t mean I don’t want a man of god I can call all my own, someone I can deeply love and grow with, and laugh with, and serve. It sounds so silly so unprogressive, but there’s this blog that I’ve been following, a 24 year old who’s been married for a year now, and she writes of how she’s going to clean the house and get everything in order, prepare dinner for her husband before he gets home, and I think that’s so cute, and I want to do that. Like I’m excited to do that! To be pleasing to my husband, and make him happy, and fill his tummy and heart with warmth and goodness, but then it occurred to me, I CAN do that now. For Jesus 🙂 for His holy spirit that lives in me.

I am His home. I need to clean my heart and set things in order daily, and serve Him, and be pleasing to Him, and Lord, I pray that I would be more excited for that, for You, more than anything and anyone from this world, forever and ever. Because you satisfy me, forever and ever. And your love, your face, your hands, you are holy, perfect, worthy, and so real.